


Here No Evil

by LizzieRimmsy



Series: Red Dwarf Rewrites [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Episode: s12e01 Cured, Gen, Rewrite, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13332543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzieRimmsy/pseuds/LizzieRimmsy
Summary: The crew stumble on a science center where vile historical figures have been “cured” of evil.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote the episode to include my original character, as she’s now a part of the crew. I didn’t deviate too far from the script, but did remove things I thought weren’t too important and added a sub-plot.  
> Of course, rewrites aren’t for everyone — you’re not obligated to read it. It’s just something I’ve been wanting to do.

After a long day of doing absolutely nothing, the crew all hung out in the Sleeping Quarters; Lister and Cat were just beginning a game of poker, Kryten was towards the mini kitchen, baking a cake, and Rimmer was copying the Space Corps Directives into a notebook, just so he'll have them on hand in case a situation ever arose when he'd need to quote one — preferably a directive that didn't include sacrificing a chicken when dealing with a psychotic Simulant.

Aria laid on the couch, sleeping off a long night and morning of overthinking. The previous night she stayed awake, panicking, thinking and crying. Her anxiety was getting the better of her, and not even Rimmer could ease her worries.

"Okay," the Cat began as he finished shuffling the cards. "Five-card draw poker," He looked to Rimmer, actually smiling at him for once. "You in, Cincinnati?"

"Of course he's in. C'mon Rimmer," Lister said with a gesture of his hand, waving him over. "Deal the cards."

Semi reluctantly, Rimmer closed his notebook and walked over to them. "Matchsticks, nothing more," He sat down between them. "If you think you're winning my back issues of _Morris Dancer Monthly_ , you've got another thing coming."

Half awake, Aria mumbled, "Somehow I don't think they're too disappointed about that."

Rimmer shot her a look but didn't say anything to her. He knew something was wrong with her, and that talking back to her wouldn't help her at all.

The Cat — who was overly excited, as if he'd never played before — counted five cards, all for him, and didn't bother deal Rimmer or Lister in. "Let's see what we got!" he exclaimed.

As lost as money down a sofa, Rimmer and Lister looked to one another. Even Kryten was more than a little stupefied.

"Where are our cards?" Dissatisfaction plowed Lister’s brow. 

"You ain't getting any."

"Without cards, we can't win."

"Exactly!" He gave a nod, smiling so hard, the corners of his mouth were getting introduced to his ears.

Lister held his arms out, voice slightly getting higher as he tried to understand the Cat. "What kind of a game is that?"

"A _good_ game!" Cat replied with a grin still plastered on his face. "A game I'm gonna win."

 _Should’ve known_ , he thought. With a frustrated sigh, Lister took his cards away. "Look, let's try it another way," he said while dealing the cards. "so that we all get… five cards, and we all get a chance to win. You just might enjoy it." He then leant back to check his cards, hiding them from the others.

Cat peered as his own cards, and within seconds he was grinning widely again, clearly giving away that his cards were more than just great.

Still poker-faced, Lister looked at him. "How many cards do you want to change?"

"None, are you crazy?" he said, bearing his gums.

"You've got a really good hand, right?"

His smile fell away. "How did you know?"

"Have you never heard of a poker-face?"

Confused, as per usual, he asked, "What's a pokey face?"

" _Poker_ face. Look, you get your cards, and you look at them like this…" Once more, Lister leaned back, bending the cards so that only he could see them, then placed them face down on the table. Without showing any sort of emotion, he stared intently at Cat, then looked to Rimmer, then back again; this continued a few more times, even Kryten was quickly gazing at them in mild befuddlement. Lister brandished his hand in front of his own face. "You don't give anything away."

"Oh! I get it now!"

"Alright? Now, let's try it again."

For a second time, he gave everyone playing five cards and placed the remaining in the middle of the table. They looked at their cards. This time Cat copied Lister exactly; in fact, if he had leaned any further, he might have fallen out of his seat.

At that point, Aria got up and sluggishly ambled towards them, then hovered over Rimmer's shoulder. Even he had a decent hand for once, but she kept an unemotional appearance as to not expose him.

"How many cards do you wanna change?" Lister asked the Cat once more.

The Cat looked back and forth between Lister and Rimmer, stoney-faced. Eventually, with his voice wavering and nearly in tears, he responded with, "Five."

Lister sunk back in his chair and glanced at Kryten. _Least he's playing fairly now_ , he thought as he gave Cat a thin lipped frown.

In that instant, the on-board backup computer beeped. On the screen in big red letters read, " _Space station located_."

"Sirs, ma'am, we're picking up an SSL," Kryten states and headed over to the computer. "It's in the neighbouring vector."

Aria shrugged. "So what?" she asked, her voice devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

"So we can loot it for supplies," Lister gestured to the door. "Let's go."

* * *

Shuffling into the cockpit of _Starbug_ , they took their respective seats. Aria remained standing between Kryten and Rimmer. Starbug rotated on a platform until it aligned with _Red Dwarf’s_ cargo bay doors. With a loud whir, the doors opened as smoke jutted from under the _Starbug_.

Lister began to start her up. He flicked a switch, pushed and pulled on a small pump near the ignition keys; the Cat then banged on a panel three times and while twisting a crank, he pressed down on the gas four times, then Lister did the same and slammed his fist on the dash; the control panel lit up. Their take off was anything but smooth, as they swayed like flower stalks in a gale.

"Silky as the first day we got her." Lister said while keeping his eyes on the blackness of space.

While the Cat let out a chuckle in agreement, Aria wasn't sure the ship was up to code. _Starbug_ hadn't been for a tune up in almost a decade. Just recently the thruster had gotten damaged by a round of fire from Simulants, and no-one had the motivation, or in Rimmer, Cat and Aria's case, the know-how to fix it. Moments later, they were nearing the space station, located on an unknown moon in sector four-nine-three-two.

"Moon base coming up on our starboard side," Lister announced. His face hardened as he stared out of the plexiglass viescreen. "What is this place, Krytes?"

"According to the ident, it's a _United America_ scientific research station."

Aria frowned in perplexity. " _United America_? Who's that?"

"Well, at the end of the twenty-third century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded."

A quick shrug nearly usurped her nod. "Sounds about right…"

"Now, a war ensued that was called the War Against War. Those countries who went to war because they were so against war, they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war — called themselves _United America_."

"But why would these _United America_ Johnnies want to build a research station way out here?" Lister asked.

"Maybe they were doing top-secret research?" Aria wondered with another half shrug.

Rimmer checked his screen for details. "By the looks of their manifest, they're loaded with tech. Maybe we can finally fix _Starbug's_ thruster," He looked up, almost sneering at the fact that the thruster was still broken. "I'm sick of always having to turn left."

Lister flicked a few switches on his panel. "Alrighty… Bringin' her in."

As he did, those who weren't flying braced themselves and leaned during the time Lister and the Cat had to make a wide left turn, then straightened out only to make a second wide turn; soon after, a third and final turn. They landed and docked at the outer side of the station.

* * *

They stepped inside the station's airlock, waited for the chamber to decompress, and made their way into a corridor. The walls were bathed in a glow of red light; in the corners of the walkway were containers that had ' _United America_ ' logos on the front.

"There's a sandstorm coming in; eighteen on the Newton scale," Rimmer noted as he looked at the psi-scanner. "Looks we're going to be stuck here for a while."

Aria let out an exasperated sigh. "Great." she muttered, sounding exhausted; she was, in more ways than one for some unknown reason.

A worried expression marred Rimmer’s face. "Are you feeling alright, Harkness?"

She nodded to Rimmer. "I'm fine…" she flatly replied, indicating that she was anything but fine. In all honesty, she was in no mood to talk about it.

"Er, Kryten?" Rimmer jerked his head to the side in indication. The two stopped to talk in private. "When we get back, I want you to run some tests on Harkness."

"Mmm… She has been a bit off as of late, hasn't she?" Kryten nodded to both his own statement and Rimmer's request. "I'll certainly do that, sir."

Both of them somewhat rushed off to catch up with the others, their footsteps echoed on the travertine floors along with the others’.

"Any idea what they did here, Krytes" Lister wondered as he looked around.

"It appears they were testing a cure for evil, sir."

"A cure for evil?" Rimmer echoed incredulously. "But you can't cure evil, that's ridiculous. What did they do, hand out tubes of evil ointment? 'Gently rub into your frontal lobes when feeling psychotic'."

They stopped to peer down another corridor for a way inside the station. Rimmer shined a torch down the way but found it was a dead end.

"To be honest, I've never really believed in evil." Lister stated, sloughing off a lame shrug.

Cat scoffed and pointedly said, "You should try inhaling your socks sometimes."

As Aria briefly sniggered, they all turned to go right, heading further into the winding maze of corridors.

"Well, okay," Lister continued. "some people do terrible things, but not because they're evil. It's 'coz they're mentally bonkers."

"I never realised you read up on the subject, Listy," Rimmer said disparagingly. "' _Mentally bonkers_ '? I'm struggling a bit to keep up here. You mean they're psychopaths."

"Not all psychopaths kill, you know." Aria stated, her expression unreadable as she studied walls.

"She's right, sir. Most psychopaths lack empathy for others and have no remorse, but as a rule, they don't actually physically harm anyone."

"So what do they do, then?" the Cat inquired.

"Well, many go into banking. Many others are CEOs, businessmen, lawyers, even politicians. Ruthless men and women drawn to positions of power and the reward that brings."

Lister folded his arms. "This evil cure, Kryten, any idea who they tested it on?"

Rimmer became slightly anxious in that moment. "You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here, running around rioting, screaming and stabbing people?" he asked, hoping he'd say no.

"You make it sound like my old school!"

 _Oh, god_ , Rimmer thought, instantly filling with dread. _It's fine, Arnie, don't panic. We'll just get what we need and go._ "Right, I want all the bazookoids' safeties off, ready to fire." he said with calm equilibrium.

"All the bazookoids are back on _Red Dwarf_ , sir."

Airless and heavily, he sighed, eyes flicking upwards. "Have we got _any_ guns with us?"

"Just your staple gun, sir."

He nodded ahead of them and arched an eyebrow, trying to look like the badass he wasn’t. "Fill 'er up."

Aria watched and hung back as they went onwards. "What a guy…" she murmured ironically, following another snigger.

* * *

They entered a pale green room filled with technology; some they hadn't seen before, some they had. On one of the walls were rows of cryobooths. Lister wiped years and years of dust off to read the names; _Vlad The Impaler — cured, Josef Stalin — cured, Messalina — cured, Adolf Hitler — cured_. All but one patient were cured of evil: _Rupert Murdoch — not responding to treatment._

Cat wandered to a large table and Rimmer joined him. "Hitler? Isn't he dead? I thought he died playing golf."

Rimmer's eyes closed as he tried so hard not to slap some common logic into him. _I swear, if you drilled three holes in his skull and blew through his ear, you could turn his head into an Aborigian hunting horn._ Resisting his semi-violent urge, he said to him, "He was in Berlin, you goit, in a bunker. He poisoned his partner and shot himself."

He chuckled and exclaimed, "Golf can do that to you!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes until they were almost out of existence. He repeated to himself, _Don't abuse your cat_ , over and over again like a mantra.

Lister stood by Kryten, watching as he fiddled with one of the computers. "All these people are from ancient history — where did they get them from?"

"It's appears, sir, they tracked down their descendants and then, with DNA regression technology, travelled back down the ancestral line via their mitochondrial DNA and recreated them."

"But Hitler didn't have any kids. His ancestral line died with him."

Rimmer chimed in, looming over the table. "I read this conspiracy book once, and it proposed the theory that at the end of the Second World War, Hitler killed his wife and his body double to make it look as if he'd committed suicide. Then, he snuck off to Argentina in a stolen U-boat with art treasures looted from the museums of Europe."

"Hitler," Lister shook his head in disgust. "the more you hear about that guy…"

"The story went that when he reached Argentina, he had kids there."

"Supposin' that's true, and they were recreated from their descendants' DNA, these screwballs can't be too much like them, right?"

"Well, there's a long-held belief that memories are indeed encoded in DNA, sir, and passed down the ancestral line. Most likely, they based their personality off of those memories."

"So, who is this Messalina?" Cat asked.

"She was the third wife of the Roman Emperor Claudius." Aria replied as she gazed closer at the cryobooths.

"Indeed," Kryten added with a nod. "Possibly the most depraved, brutal and murderous nymphomaniac in history."

"Not all bad, then!"

Lister shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno, man. These are some of the most damaged and deranged humans who ever lived. They're worse than the nineteen seventies Leeds United team."

Aria meandered back over to the others and stopped by Kryten. "So, how did they cure these people?"

"In people labelled evil, a misfiring gene has often turned empathy off."

"So, they can just flick it back on like a light switch — as easy as that?" Lister incredulously asked.

"Hey, light switches can be tricky," Cat said, imperceptibly shaking his head. "I don't always get them first time."

Rimmer wandered off, heading back to where they came in. Noticing this, Aria became somewhat concerned and followed him.

"There's another cryobooth here," Rimmer told them. He moved his finger along the name written on the front. "Professor Shawl Telford."

"Maybe he can help us?" Lister wondered as he, Cat and Kryten hurried over to them.

"I suggest we release the professor and ask him if they have the tech here to repair the thruster." Kryten said with urgency.

Lister grabbed a hold of the handle on the cryobooth and pulled the door open. Upon doing so, he and everyone else were surprised, some even disconcerted to find that it was empty. Behind them, a man in a wheel chair rolled up to them. They all jumped when he spoke.

"Good day, lady and gentlemen." he said, voice like an old Bond villain. All that was missing was a white fluffy cat and a scar on his face.

Aria regarded him with leery eyes. Something wasn't right about him and she knew it. "Telford?" she inquired, grudgingly walking over to him to size him up. "Why are you—?"

"Your arrival here automatically triggered the cryobooths to release mode." he told her without haste.

"Wait," Even though it was clear, Rimmer still had to ask, "when you said 'we automatically triggered the cryobooths', did you mean _all_ the cryobooths?"

Some things still didn't add up to her. _We weren't in the corridors that long,_ she thought. _Why didn't we see them? How would he even get out if he needed a wheelchair?_ She wasn't too lost in thought, however; she still heard Rimmer's question. She glared indignantly, holding in the need to smack him upside the head. "Well, he _did_ say ' _cryobooths_ '. Plural." she retorted.

"You have nothing to fear. My patients have been cured for many centuries…" Telford slightly smiled, as if he were proud of what he did. "Come, join us for lunch." He turned around and wheeled off without letting them object to the offer.

They stood there; Lister and Kryten appeared flummoxed, while Rimmer, Aria and Cat appeared decidedly dubious. But eventually the boys followed after him and Aria stayed behind a moment.

"You serious? We're really doing this?" she asked incredulously, arms folded as tight as a boa constrictor across her upper abdomen. The lack of response was enough of an answer. They were really doing this. She threw her head back, harshly exhaled and straggled behind them.


	2. Chapter 2

All of them sat at a round table, grudgingly. Not one of them wanted to be there, but it was free food. The sound of clanking silverware and glasses being could only be heard; no-one dared to say a word when such horrible humans occupied the room. Some of them even made Rimmer look like Mosses.

Cat sat by the doorway, Lister by Rimmer, Aria was wedged between Rimmer and Kryten. Opposite of them was Adolf "Dolfy" Hitler, Joseph "Joe" Stalin, Valeria Messalina and, running a little late to the get together, Vlad The Impaler.

"It is so lovely for us to have guests," Dolfy said, smiling. He picked up a bottle. "Some wine? Let me be mutter," He poured some into a glass and handed it to Lister with a grin. "Now, appetisers. Pumpernickel canapes, we just got them out of cryo. Made them myself. Dragon fruit?"

Picking up the magenta coloured fruit, he pretended it was a grenade, pulling the imaginary pin with his teeth and threw it to Lister, then with his hands he mimicked an explosion.

Joseph chuckled and nudged him. "That’s a good one." he remarked, chortling the entire time.

The others didn’t find it so funny. They shifted in their seats, as if this somehow made it easier to shift the situation. Lister and Cat gave uncomfortable laughs and smiles; Kryten and Aria had blank stares while Rimmer grimaced and cringed internally.

"Oh, and you _must_ try his puddings," Messalina insisted, placing a hand on Dolfy and staring fondly at him. "Dolfy makes the _most_ _divine_ choux pastry."

His cheeks pinked up like a schoolgirl’s. "Messy, please, you're embarrassing me," Innocently, he played with what little hair he had. "She's terrible."

Lister finally spoke up. "What about all the other scientists? I mean, surely you weren't always here on your own?"

"Well, many years ago, they sent a special task force to eliminate us," Telford said, then waved his hand towards his cured patients. "but with our pooled skills, we managed to survive."

Tilting his head and still dubious, Rimmer asked, "Why would they try to eliminate you?"

Going around the table, each of the patients replied starting with Dolfy, "A cure for evil would mean an end to war."

Then Joseph. "An end to war would mean no arms industry."

Messalina shrugged. "Which would mean _trillions_ of lost dollar-pounds."

Dolfy leaned back in his seat, his eyes flicking across the table, intently staring at each of the crew members. "The First World economy would slump."

"The Second and Third World economy would boom."

"There would be no one to exploit." Joseph said with his arms loosely folded across his abdomen.

Vlad brought a skewer with what looked like pork to his mouth, speared like a head on a stake, but he didn't eat it just yet. "Society wouldn't work any more."

Telford had his elbows on the table, hands folded below his chin. "Yes, they couldn't allow the end of evil to happen. So, they marooned us here, with no hope of getting back to Earth."

Lister looked at each of the patients' somber faces. He couldn't bring himself to tell them there probably was no Earth to go back to, three million years into deep space. Instead, he just listened to anything else they might've had to say.

"But enough," Dolfy drawled insistently. "Let us eat. There is much to do. After lunch, we must show you our engineering department. In the meantime, a toast," He and the other cured lifted their glasses. "To new friends."

Grinning and with their glasses raised, they all said, "New friends."

The others weren't so eager to call these people 'friends', even Rimmer, who once idolised Hitler, was disgusted — but they obliged them anyway. "New friends..."

At that moment, Dolfy stood up, took out what seemed to be a cell phone, one that probably really didn't work anymore except for a few functions. One of which apparently being the camera. "Selfie!" he exclaimed.

The cured were grinning widely, but the others appeared downright, unmistakably displeased — all except for Aria, who seemed to be making an effort to at least give a thin-lipped smile.

* * *

Lister stood at a workbench, then moved to another where pieces of _Starbug's_ thruster were strewn about. Beside the pieces was a hot glue gun and some bits and bobs that were left over. _Always happens when you do a bit of do it yourself_ , Lister thought. He didn't hear Hitler coming in with a tea tray.

"Tea?" he wondered. "Or as you English say, 'Would you like a nice cup of cha?'."

Almost flatly, and hardly even looking at him, Lister replied, "I'm fine, thanks."

Even after setting the tray down, his hand stayed in the air, as if he were doing a salute that, in later years, would get you pelted with stones. Quickly realising his stance, he put his hand behind his back with the other one.

He glanced at Lister's leather jacket, smiling fondly at it. "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I just totally adore your jacket. Where did you buy it? London? Paris? New York?"

Lister almost imperceptibly sighed. He couldn't believe he was conversing with this smegger; he felt awkward, uncomfortable, like he was being forced to listen to Rimmer talk about his first time all over again. Eventually, he replied with the truth. "I bought it in a second-hand shop on Mimas, then I painted it myself."

He stood slightly open-mouthed. "Nein way," He started to walk back and forth behind him, admiring Lister's handy work. "Your manipulation of the palette is dazzling. And your use of saturated colours to celebrate the counterculture spirit of the piece is so…" He did a small dance and grinned. "chic and fun!"

Lister continued working. Once again, speaking marginally flat, he said, "That's what I was goin' for."

"It so… works. Did you go to art school?"

Lister did in fact go to art school for a whole ninety-seven minutes, then took one look at the time table and checked out. He didn't really want to be sitting at a lecture first thing in the afternoon.

"Yeah." he responded with a nod.

He slapped his own hip and exclaimed, "Get out of town! I went to art school, too!" Then more earnestly he added, "Well, I applied, but they wouldn't take me."

Lister gave a half-smile while trying to glue a piece together. "You probably didn't fail enough exams."

Dolphy let out a breathy titter, then sighed. "I suppose we may never know."

It was at this moment that Lister realised maybe he really was cured; he seemed pretty decent, which was something he never thought he'd admit, even to himself. Lister nodded once more and asked, "You still paint?"

"Not so much, since I was reincarnated. I'm trying to explore other sides of myself. I play guitar now."

"Get out of town. I play guitar."

"You are scheissing me! We should jam sometime."

"Yeah, maybe." Saying that made him feel like a parent who was only appeasing their child.

"Are you waiting for these pieces to dry? How 'bout now?"

 _Ah, smeg_ , he mumbled to himself. A part of him hated to say it, but he had to. "Look, I can't jam with ya, okay?"

Grudgingly, he nodded with a fake smile, and started to walk away disappointed. He turned around, hesitating to ask but eventually the words came out. "It's because I'm Hitler, isn't it? Look, I admit, I was evil, but it is a disease. I am cured now. Really, I am. What is it they say? To err is human — to forgive, divine." Once again, he began to leave until Lister said something.

"I can't jam with ya — it's 'coz I haven't got my guitar." Although a part of him was hoping that would've been enough, it was true; he had nothing but a colander with some string and the neck of the guitar Rimmer had broken years and years ago.

"I've got a bunch of guitars in my quarters!"

A slight look of pain appeared on Lister's face. Being that he wasn't one to say 'no', he had to jam out with the man. Dolfy's eagerness, his beaming smile, and 'rock-on' gesture was enough of an answer. He _had_ to. _Maybe it wouldn't be so bad,_ he thought _. Maybe it'll be… Oh, who the smeg am I kiddin'? It'll suck!_

* * *

Aria and Rimmer silently roamed the halls, waiting for Lister to fix the thruster. Occasionally, they'd glance up from the floor and their eyes connected for barely a microsecond. On the times they weren't arguing, they stayed in awkward silence. They didn't know how else to be.

Slowly but surely, Rimmer got the courage to say something to her, albeit something that wasn't the nicest thing; he didn't have much of a filter between his brain and his mouth. "You look tired."

Her eyes narrowed; her nose wrinkled up, as if she had caught a whiff of something horrible. "What?"

 _Dammit! Couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?_ Rimmer licked his lips, nervous to say anything else. "Sorry, that's not something I should say to a woman, is it?" _That was slightly better. I think._

"I wouldn't know..." She gave a one-shoulder shrug. "But yeah, I am exhausted."

"Aren't you getting enough sleep? Is it those service pipes in your room?"

"What? No—"

"I keep telling telling Kryten to get the Skutters to fix it, but—"

"Rimmer, it's fine. It's not that. It's just—" She couldn't get the rest out. Her mouth worked soundlessly, the words unable to permeate her brain. Instead, they bounced around her skull like rogue ping-pong balls.

His eyes shrunk as he attempted to decipher what she was trying to get at. When he found he couldn't, he asked for clarity. "Are you alright?"

She scoffed. His words rang through her head like a cymbal clash. _'Am I alright?'_   _Question of my life_. She'd always ask herself that, and the answer she'd come up with was always the same. 'No'. Homeless at the age of sixteen, by no fault but her own. _If they hadn't have screwed me up so badly, I wouldn't have needed to leave._ While anyone else would've said being fathered by Jack Harkness wasn't the best for her, she never complained; in her mind, he was the best for her.

Deep in thought, yelling and crying in her head, she only heard a roaring in her ears and lost track of what Rimmer was saying. Eventually, she came back to reality. "What?" She stood up straight and used her sleeve to wipe the tears away before they had a chance to fall.

"What's going on? You've been acting strangely all week."

She tucked a strand of her long brown hair behind her ear as she inclined her head. "You've noticed?" She almost didn't believe him. _No-one's ever noticed before,_  thought Aria.

"Of course I've noticed!" he said, nearly in affront that she even had to ask that. "You haven't argued with me for a whole week now. I'm actually concerned."

The corners of her lips quirked into a light smile, one that didn't stay for long. "I don't want you worrying about me."

He placed his hand on her arm, stopping her from walking on. "Why not?" he wondered with a shrug. "I care, of course I'm going to worry."

Her narrowed, sceptical eyes anchored on to him. "You care? _You_?"

"Yes, I care! Is that so hard to believe?"

"Rimmer, you only care about slime-balling your way up the ranks, becoming an officer."

Nodding, he said, "True, but maybe I…" He stopped abruptly, first looking at the ground, then letting his gaze drift up to her face. "don't really consider it a top priority anymore."

"And what is this… new 'top priority'?" she asked, drifting closer to him like fog coming in.

"I think you know." His eyes closed as he leaned into her.

Just as their lips were millimetres away from touching, seconds away from their tongues rolling over each other's, Kryten came bursting through in a distressed state. Both of them shot him a glare that he chose to ignore.

"Sir, ma'am! I think you should come back with me to _Starbug_. We're in big trouble."


	3. Chapter 3

With the Cat now following Kryten, Aria and Rimmer, they all headed back to _Starbug_. They heard the distinct sound of Lister playing guitar, which told them he had beaten them there. Suddenly, they heard Lister singing; a noise that wasn't too easy on the ears. A few seconds later, a second voice chimed in.

"Is that who I think it is?" Rimmer knitted his eyebrows together in puzzlement.

Aria nudged the hologram. "What's the matter, Rimmsy? Jealous?"

"What? No! Are you mad? Of course I'm not jealous!" He lied, of course, and hoped it was enough of a front. "It's just not something he should do with Hitler, that's all."

"Mm, right," She nodded. "You're right, it should be with you."

Quickly and repeatedly, he told her no, but his brain was saying yes. "Look, the leader of the third reich is far too—" He didn't finish his thought. Aria had really hit on head of the nail, and denying it was as futile as carrying water with a knife — but he would damn well try. An airless sigh escaped his flared nostrils. "Let's just go!" he snapped. Anger like sharp barbs formed on his words.

Aria smirked, knowing full well that he was only angry because he knew she was right. _Whatever you say, Captain Bollocks_ , she thought. In that moment, she began to feel a little better. Her lips parted in a grin as she watched the perturbed hologram walking ahead of her in a slight huff. "Whatever you say."

The four of them stood gawking in the doorway near the scanner table, just arriving as Lister and his new friend bellowed out the last few lines of _The Happy Wanderer_. When they finished, Aria clapped and hollered, and even requested a rendition of _Free Bird_.

"Thank you deep space!" Dolfy shouted, thrusting his fist in the air.

"Lister," Rimmer jerked his thumb behind him. "can I have a word?"

Lister handed his guitar back to him. "Here… Why don't you head back to the station?"

He hesitated to nod, then walked off, head lowered and staring at the floor in disappointment.

* * *

The five of them crammed into the cockpit of _Starbug_ while Rimmer had more than just a single word with Lister. Well, he did have a word, and it was the same seven letter word he'd use to call his step-father; one he'd rather not say in front of a woman.

"Jamming with Hitler? You think that's alright?" Rimmer sounded like a father scolding his son. It certainly felt like it. "Can't you see what he's doing? Before you know it, he'll have you in lederhosen playing _Tomorrow Belongs To Me._ "

Aria's eyes squinted, thinking. "Wasn't that song on an episode of _Spitting Image_?"

Lister snapped his fingers and pointed at her. "Oh, yeah! That was great! I—"

Rimmer spat their names from his mouth like a sharp tack. "What is wrong with you two? You have about as much discipline as Kryten's second spare head."

"I got carried away, I thought it was the right thing to do." Lister couldn't stay still, his body swaying anxiously; he couldn't even look Rimmer in the eyes. He felt awful but at the same time it was the most fun he'd had in ages.

"The right thing to do? Playing soft rock with the man who caused World War Two?"

"Playing soft rock?" Cat echoed with disdain in his voice. "That's _never_ the right thing to do!"

Kryten tried his best to end the current conversation and start talking about what was more important. "Sirs, there isn't time to discuss this now. Grave news, I'm afraid. We've detected a protoplanet which is going to collide with this moon in less than ten hours."

Cat gestured to the flight controls. "We're out of here, as soon as that sandstorm clears."

"What about Hitler and the others? Are we going to bring them?"

"I think we're pretty much covered in the fascist dictator department." Cat pointedly said, eyes darting to Rimmer.

Aria gasped silently in affront and snapped, "Oi!"

Either Rimmer chose to ignore it or just didn't care anymore; he'd had so many insults hurled his way that he was beginning to get used to it anyway. He still shot the Cat a quick glare before getting back on track. "They don't know anything about the protoplanet, the thruster's fixed, we're out of here the second the sandstorm passes — around three in the morning."

Despite knowing the answer, Lister still asked, "So, you're suggesting that we just walk away from here and leave them to die?"

"No, I'm suggesting we _leg it_ from here and leave them to die."

"But that's immoral, Rimmer. That's not right. Cured or not cured."

Kryten nodded in agreement. "It's an ethical dilemma, sir, I'll grant you that."

"We go at three, we're not taking the evils, no arguments."

"What about Telford?"

"Apart from Telford." Rimmer quickly added.

"But he won't go without everyone else."

"Well, then we'll leave him, too," On second thought, he surmised it was actually a good idea. "In fact, let's leave him, too. I mean, having to fit a whole load of ramps all over _Red Dwarf_ , what a giant pain that'll be," Rimmer's eyes rolled skyward at the idea of it. "And why should he get the big toilet with the snazzy red cord all to himself?"

Lister gave him an incredulous look. "Rimmer, if we leave them to die here, we're no better than they were."

"It means we're committing an act of evil ourselves." Kryten empathically stated.

Suddenly acting as if she had drunk a whole bottle of alcohol, she began to lose her balance and started sniggering for no apparent reason.

"Look, we're taking them all. I'm going to tell them we leave at three," Lister was about to leave when he noticed the cockpit was all of a sudden spinning. "Do you know what, I don't feel that great. I feel like I might have been… druuh—" Lister dropped to Kryten's seat like a lead mannequin with a groan.

At that point, Aria couldn't hold her laughter in anymore. She busted out in a guffaw, though no-one else thought it was funny in the least.

"What do you think he was trying to say?" Cat asked Kryten. Worry lined his forehead.

"Do you think it might possibly have been, ' _drugged_ ', sir?"

"I think I might have been drug—tahh." The Cat then fell to the floor as well.

Aria stumbled forward and and grabbed onto Rimmer for support, nearly dragging him down. "Yew wanna know what I fink? I fink… this _whole thing_ … ish a lie! They chicked us."

Realising she wasn't going to be much help, Rimmer turned to Kryten. "What's going on? What are we going to do?"

"I'm not sure I can help, sir," Kryten replied, his words becoming more strained. "I think my hard drive's been hacked and as we spe-eak, someone's clo-o-osing down my files, and enabling a fo-orced shutdown." he said, his voice slowing down at the end.

Aria grinned widely and jabbed Rimmer in the chest with her finger. To her, his face blurred like a funhouse mirror. "Yer cute..." And with that, she too collapsed, landing at Rimmer's feet.

His eyes went wide and shone with fear. "Am I next?" Within seconds his light be began to glow through his projection, then it shrunk back inside the light bee and it fell to the floor with a loud clank.

* * *

After what felt like hours of time gone by, Rimmer woke up only to find he was still in complete darkness. "Where am I?" he wondered aloud through panicked breathing. He knocked on what he assumed was a wall multiple times. He felt around and realised wherever he was felt cramped; he also felt something else that was odd. "What's this?"

It turned out to be a lighter; he flicked it open and the flame that erupted from it lit the small area. Despite his trembling hands, he could still make out a name engraved on the front. "'A. Hitler'?" Suddenly, it struck him harder than a scornful ex-girlfriend. "He's buried me alive!"

He repeatedly screamed for help; no-one was coming for him. "This is a nightmare. This is my worst fear ever, being buried alive," His chest rose and fell with rapid airless breaths. "Nothing's worse than being buried alive! How can anything be worse than this?!" For no real reason, he dropped the lighter, and something unknown had caught fire. He let out a scream, his face more terror struck than it was just moments ago.

Lister struggled to wake up, but when he did, he saw a giant machine before him, getting closer. "What's goin' on?" he asked no-one, barely awake.

On a monitor was a warning that stated, " _Automatic castrations commencing — UASD medcom procedure two-six-nine-six-four-two: male patients only. Anaesthetic disabled — safety protocols disengaged._ " The machine began whirring as it powered up; a red laser shot out of it, inching closer and closer to Lister's love spuds by the second.

"What? No! No, they're not cured!" Lister screamed, thrashing about like a shark coming out of the water. It was no use; his rope bonds were too tight.

The Cat's eyes flicked from side to side. "What the hell?!" He quickly realised he was up to his shoulders in water. "I hate water!" he yelled in a drawl. "Not my clothes! They're dry-clean only! Help!!"

His cries echoed through the walls, and actually had awoken Kryten who was just a floor above him. His neon-blue eyes shot open and darted about nervously.

"Hello?" A panicked expression flitted across his rubber features when eyes looked down to find he had no body; he was impaled on a mop handle which sat in a bucket of water. Bit of circuit board and wires jutted out from his neck. "I've got no arms! How am I going to mop up ever again?!"

Aria's predicament was near impossible to remedy. She was in darkness; floating in another plane, as if her spirit had left her body. Caught between two worlds, life and death, her spirit had to choose between going or staying.

The choice should've been obvious; she loved Rimmer and would go to the ends of the galaxy for him, but given how her brain had been as of late, coupled with the fact that despite having Rimmer in her life she still felt utterly empty, death was a welcome existence. She had lived for far too long. Nevertheless, she stayed in limbo, debating.

* * *

Lister jiggled his leg repeatedly until his boot flew off and landed right into his hands. He grabbed the knife he had hidden inside of it. Somehow, Lister must have unknowingly contracted Felicitous Populi in that instant. Now able to sever the ropes, he broke free, hopped out of the way and stood there a short moment to revel in his small victory. The laser still ran as bolted off to find the others. He hurried down a corridor. Halfway through he found Kryten's body wandering around, bumping into walls. His head was missing.

"Kryten," Lister approached him. "what have they done to you, where's your head?"

He began frantically moving his hands and arms about as if he were a headless marionette. He sliced the air with his hand, then made a sawing motion, a wave-like motion, pointed upwards and moved his hand over the other, signifying rolling something.

"I can't understand sign language, Kryten."

Calmly, he gestured the same movements once more.

"It's no good signing slower! I don't understand sign language! Have you lost your mind?"

Kryten pointed to where his head would've been and held his arms out as if to say, "I don't have a mind _to_ lose!"

Lister shrugged and gave up. "C'mon, let's go find the others,"

He pointed to his neck hole again.

"Yeah, and your head..."

Kryten's body began walking off in a completely different direction than Lister. He grabbed Kryten, pulled him and got him on the right track. Heading through an endless maze of corridors, they finally found Kryten's head. He was eternally grateful for saving him, and after having his head reattached, he vowed he'd do whatever Lister wanted him to — no matter how ridiculous or disgusting.

They gingerly went down a steep set of stairs. Lister wasn't too thrilled to be in front; of Kryten were to fall, he'd land right on top of him — and Kryten was by no means light. He was about as heavy as a GELF after a Christmas feast. Further down in a water tank, they found Cat, now completely submersed in water. They lifted the glass hatch and pulled him out using a nearby rope. Along the way to find Aria, Cat picked up a towel from the laundry room and dried himself off.

The trio found her unconscious on the floor, her eyelids twitching, in REM sleep. Though some part of her was awake enough to hum the tune of _Shattered Dreams_ by Johnny Hates Jazz as it played in her subconscious. She couldn't hear the others calling for her.

"What's wrong with her, Krytes?" Lister asked, fearing the worst. He looked at him apprehensively. "Why isn't she waking up?"

"I'm not sure, sir." he replied, shrugging his mechanoid shoulders.

"Ari, come on." Lister pleaded as he gently shook her. Then he thought of one thing that would be sure to wake her. "The evils haven't really been cured. We can't find Rimmer."

Kryten lifted a finger. "Actually sir, according to the psi-scan—"

Lister hurriedly shushed him and went back to talking to Aria. "Kryten figures you were the last person to see him, so if you have any idea where he went, wake up and tell us."

Her eyes sprung open and shot up to a sitting position like a bee stung her in the backside; she was unfazed by her out of body experience. Darkness crossed her eyes at the thought of these so-called 'cured' patients hurting her hologrammatic partner in any way. An infinitesimal twitch in her lips told him he had hit the mark.

Kryten's eyes bugged out at the time shown on the psi-scan. "We need to hurry, sirs, ma'am."

* * *

Both Lister and Aria called out for Rimmer, each time becoming louder and more worried. Aria was nearly in tears, her voice shaking as she shouted his name.

Kryten pointed down another corridor. "This way."

Lister's voice was about to give out but he kept going. "Rimmer! _Rimmer_!" he shouted repeatedly.

"Oh, God — I can't do this," Aria said, her words quavering immensely. "Not without him." A nervous wreck, she wrapped her arms around her chest, hugging herself.

Cat hushed them. "Listen!"

Kryten shut off the incessantly beeping psi-scan; they then heard banging and the sound of Rimmer's muffled voice calling for help. It seemed like it was coming from inside the wall, behind a hatch that read, ‘ _Waste chute’_ , along with a serial code and keypad off to the side a few inches.

"I think they put him in the waste disposal." Lister said, pointing at the hatch. _Well, he did always think he was garbage._

Rimmer once again shouted, "Help!!" This time in a more harsh, laboured tone.

Aria gasped and slapped her hand across her mouth, holding in a full blown scream.

Cat appeared horrified. "No. I was starting to think this whole damn day couldn't get any worse," Then he grinned. "and then you get a boost like this!"

Unlike the Cat, the horror that surged through her wasn't faked. "We have to let him out of there!" Her words fell out in a frantic mess, like frenzied bees shook loose of their hive.

"Let him out?!" Cat echoed, giving her an disbelieving stare. "Are you crazy? We should seal him in!"

"Rimmer's locked in there," Lister gesticulated toward the chute. "I mean, aren't you're getting the claustrophobic sweats just thinking about it?"

"No. I'm not in there, he is."

"But if it was you in there, how would you feel if you were Rimmer?"

The Cat gave it a bit of thought. The key words being 'a bit'. Without taking into consideration that Aria would deck him for his next reply, he blurted out, "Ugly!"

She could hear the blood rushing through her head, her face getting increasingly red. "Get him out." She forced the words through grit teeth. Frustration and disdain were wrapped up in her demand.

Kryten moved his finger over some numbers as he read them, muttering them aloud. The keypad beeped with each number he typed in. Within seconds, the hatch unlocked; Kryten pulled it open and out came a long box, along with a lot of smoke. Lister then pulled another hatch that opened the waste box; even more smoke poured out.

Aria repeatedly said to herself, _Please be okay_. She knew she really didn’t have a reason to be apprehensive — he was a hologram, and no harm could come to him unless brute force or a virus was involved — but regardless she was worried about him.

Thankfully, Rimmer popped up, appearing utterly and totally smegged off. He looked around at each of his crew mates for a moment before exclaiming, "That's the last time I _ever_ trust a psychopath!"


	4. Chapter 4

After deciding they should leg-it, they all rushed through the station, heading back to where they docked. Eventually, they made it to the exit of the cryo room, where Telford sat in his wheelchair unconscious.

"What happened?" Aria wondered, nervous eyes darting from Telford to Kryten.

"He's received a blow to the head. I think we may have interrupted his attacker."

Lister searched around for some sort of medicine that would help with any discomfort he may have felt. Oddly enough, a syringe gun was conveniently placed nearby on top of some crates. Lister picked it up and gave Telford a shot.

Cautiously, they continued through the room. Rimmer, who stayed close behind Lister, donned a karate stance. Not that he had much training, or was brave enough to actually do anything, but he wanted to look tough. As soon as he and the others reached the middle of the room, the evils came in. Nervous and apprehensive, they all backed up toward the cryo-booths.

"We've been looking for you everywhere!" Dolfy exclaimed. He and the rest of them glanced over at Telford. "What happened to him?" he asked.

"He's been attacked," Kryten replied.

"And he's not the only one," Lister began, then pointed at each crew member as he went on. "Rimmer got buried alive, Cat got sealed in a water tank, I nearly had my love spuds lasered," He gestured to his genitals. "Aria was near death, and Kryten woke up with his head on a stake."

"Who could have done this?"

 _Who'd you smeggin' think?_ Lister thought as he feigned mulling it over.

"It's an absolute mystery." Rimmer's voice was teeming with sarcasm.

Vlad spoke up next. "You think _we_ had something to do with this?" he pointedly asked.

Aria pointed a finger at Kryten. "They found his head impaled on a stake."

"So, somebody's head winds up impaled on a stake, so it's automatically got to be Vlad the Impaler?" He brandished his arms over his body in affront.

"Let's be fair, you have got a bit of previous." Lister said, shrugging his shoulders.

He shook his head almost imperceptibly. "Four or five thousand mistakes and you never hear the last of it." he mumbled.

As Rimmer began walking closer to the table, he showed the lighter he had found in his hand. "Whoever buried me alive left this behind. 'A. Hitler'." He then set it down on the table.

Dolfy's eyes darted from the lighter to Rimmer. "And you think that's mine?" he asked, starting out in his normal pitch then ending higher.

"It _did_ cross my mind." Rimmer said as he, Aria and Lister nodded along.

"It's not possible… there's an _Andy_ Hitler?! Or an _Ainsley_ Hitler?! And even if it did stand for Adolf, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is mine," He picked it up and stared at it a moment. Suddenly he realised: "Oh, no that, it is mine," He slightly frowned with embarrassment, then after he quickly gathered his composure, he asked, "Who stole my Zippo?"

Everyone, even the evils, shook their heads in various degrees of disbelief.

"So, what now?" Stalin asked, his words drawling.

"One or more of you isn't cured," Lister pointed a finger at each hand at the evils. "We've gotta find out who, and fix them."

Aria's eyes flitted across the room, searching for a way to somehow 'fix them'. She found no obvious ways. "And how do we do that?"

At that moment, Kryten realised that the table in front of them was actually a psychopathy scanner, built to scan others psyche. "We can use this — the psych scanner. That'll tell us who the fruit loop is."

Messalina suddenly seemed more than a little suspicious herself. "Wait a minute. How do we know it's not one of you guys, eh?"

"You think he buried _himself_?" Aria incredulously regarded her as she put a hand on Rimmer's shoulder.

"You think I'd wave bye-bye to my two best friends?" Lister asked, pointing to his love spuds once more.

Vlad leaned in toward the Dwarfers, giving them an unflinching stare. " _Everybody_ gets tested."

* * *

As the storm grew closer, Kryten worked hard to get the psychopathy scanner up and running. In the meantime, everyone stood around, waiting.

Aria moved from Kryten’s side and headed to Rimmer, sidling up next to him. She glanced downward at his hand, then took a couple of his fingers and held them in her hand. With a sigh, she rested her cheek against his bicep. Now that things had somewhat settled, she could finally appreciate the fact that Rimmer was okay. 

"I thought I lost you," she said with another sigh, relieved. 

Confused, his brows furrowed as if he'd just heard her speak in her native language. He tried looking at her but all he could see was the top of her head. Finally, after being rendered speechless for a short time, he said, "Well, you'll… never lose me…" 

He didn't sound too sure. In fact, he wasn't sure at all. One day his light bee could completely fail, or some cybernetically deranged, mechanical killing machine could murder him — key word being ‘could’, considering he was virtually indestructible — but for the time being, she wasn't going to lose him.

"I better not," she replied. She lifted her head to give him a deadpan gaze. Inwardly, she giggled. In the end, she couldn't keep it in. Her poker-face eventually broke into a smirk. It faded when she remembered what she failed to answer before: what was wrong. She hesitated but eventually told him. "I'm uh… I'm not doing well here, to say the least. But I don't want you to worry. I can handle this."

"You don't _have_ to handle it alone." 

She mirthlessly chuckled. "Look at you, being all considerate and smeg." 

Feeling modest, he shrugged his shoulders. "I'm learning from the best teacher."

A puff of air escaped from her nostrils, her torso lurching in an attempt to stifle another chuckle. "Tell that to Gwen Cooper."

Neither of them spoke after that — she didn't know what else to add, and he didn't know how to respond — they just exchanged half-smiles.

Rimmer, however, was still worried about her and spoke up again. "You can tell me what’s going on, you know. I won’t–"

"Not here," she intoned, interrupting him. "When we’re back on _Red Dwarf_."

Despite not having a stomach, fear still swirled around inside of it. "Is it… bad?" 

She slid him a blank stare and said nothing at all.

He blinked then stared anxiously at his feet. "Right. Back on  _Red Dwarf_ …" he murmured to himself.

The brain scanner whirred and hummed to life; they all gathered around it, placing their hands on the top of it.

"Ready to commence," Kryten stated, still keeping his eyes on a small monitor on the scanner. "Processing now. Scanning all brains."

White lights flashed over each of their faces as it scanned them. It was several seconds before it finished and the results were printed. A sheet ejected out of a slot, which Lister took and handed to Kryten, who then examined it closely.

"There is indeed a psychopath among us," Kryten told them. "According to the psycho scan, they display all the tell-tale signs; greatly reduced empathy, no remorse and a massive sense of self-worth."

"I knew it!" Cat exclaimed as he slapped the palm of his hand on the edge of the scanner. "Which one of them is it?"

While Aria and Lister, even Rimmer, knew full well who that person was — Rimmer — the answer to the Cat's question was something they weren't prepared for at all.

"It's you, sir." Kryten responded as he looked at the Cat.

He jerked back and stared at him with perplexity and dubiousness. "What?" His eyes then darted to everyone else to see if they heard what he had.

"According to this, sir, _you_ are a psychopath."

"Let me see that!" He ripped the paper from Kryten's rubber hands and read it aloud. " _'Vain, superficial, self-centred, self-obsessed, unaware of others' feelings, narcissistic and egotistical'_?!" He then threw the paper onto the scanner. "I can't believe they haven't mentioned handsome!"

 _Oh, the irony,_ Aria thought as she sighed.

Lister shook his head slightly. "A psychopath he may be, Krytes, but he's not the type that kills."

Kryten nodded in agreement. The machine whirred once more and another result sheet began printing out.

"Wait, there's something else coming through now." said Kryten. 

The Cat muttered, "Must be an apology for forgetting to mention handsome." 

"It seems there are _two_  psychopaths, sirs, ma’ams. One is Mister Cat, the other is—" 

As Rimmer stared at these so-called cured people, his expression unreadable, he thought, _This time, it'll be me. I know it. I know I'm not right in the head, everyone knows it. Probably even Hitler knows it._

In a soap opera-like twist, Kryten finally told them, "—Professor Telford."

Each of them took a glance toward Telford only to find he was gone. Before anyone could ask where he went, he waltzed in with a large gun in his hand.

"Hey, how come he's walking? I thought he needed a wheelchair." the Cat wondered.

Lister had a look on his face, one that said he should've known better. "He was faking it," he muttered, disappointed in himself.

Aria rolled her eyes in reaction to Lister. "An astute observation, Dave, but shouldn't we be working on an escape plan?"

"I'm working on it." he murmured to her.

Telford pulled out a remote, seemingly from nowhere, and pressed a button. The cured evils suddenly whirred as each of their heads dropped, their chins practically resting on their chests. They walked out of the room in a mechanical, robotic way, shifting their feet against the ground rather than picking them up.

"They’re droids!" 

Aria’s eyes shrunk, scrutinising Telford, if that was even his real name. "Who are you?"

" _United America_ , head of Research and Development," he replied. "I was a neuroscientist. I brain hacked entire populations and made them attack themselves, before my arrest and execution."

"You were the patient — the  _only_ patient. They were the scientists trying to cure you."

"Indeed they were," Telford chortled, then his voice evened out a bit more. "Didn’t it strike you as curious that Hitler really didn't look much like Hitler?"

Lister shrugged his shoulders. "Coulda fooled me."

"He was an android neuroscientist, physically identical to his creator, Professor John Asquith. I rewrote his programming."

"So why didn't you leg it when we were trapped?"

"Well, I did, but I couldn't start _Starbug_. It must have some special ignition sequence. What is it?"

In that instant, Lister donned somewhat of a smug look. "Ah! So, you can't go anywhere without us." 

"I only need one of you. The rest of you… are going to die." Telford drew up his weapon and aimed it at them.

Aria’s eyes flitted across their faces, inwardly wondering if anyone was going to do anything. In her head, she vowed she would wait a full minute before doing something completely stupid and reckless. Her fingers hovered over the firearm she always had on her, ready to go.

"You!" Telford suddenly exclaimed. His manic eyes were fixated on the Cat.

The Cat pointed to himself. "Who, me?"

"You have no loyalty to them. A cat has no fidelity to anyone but himself. Join me."  
  
Lister met his unrelenting stare. "I don't care what the damn scan says. We're the posse — boys and girl from the _Dwarf_." 

He, along with everyone else, did the "Boys from the _Dwarf_ " hand dangle, brandishing them in front of their bodies. Rimmer, however, looked like he was disgusted to do it, if not confused as to why he was doing it. Aria came into it a bit late, and even then she only used one hand while still keeping the other near her weapon.

The Cat nodded insistently whilst he said, "Yeah."

"Nobody’s changing sides ’ere."

Then Cat shook his head. "Nuh-uh!"

"I’ll give you anything you want," Telford said.

"Sounds good!" Cat strode right over to him without another thought.

Silence briefly fell; everyone was stunned speechless for the moment, until Lister spoke up.

"Cat, man!" he exclaimed, taking offence.

"Hey, I'm a cat. It's my nature, I can't help it! You heard him; I have no fidelity."

"Well, in that case, sir, why be on his side?" Kryten asked. He gestured his hand, waving him back to them. "Be on ours."

"Okay!"

"I'll give you anything that your heart desires if you join me and show me how the ship starts," Telford said, tempting him once again.

"Okay, deal!"

Aria's baby blues flicked skyward. With a despairing sigh, she muttered, "We're gonna be at this all night," in a sing-song way.

Ignoring her, Lister attempted to coax the Cat. "I'll give you anything your heart desires _plus_ a special secret surprise if you join us."  
  
Cat bounced up and down with glee to them. "I love special surprises!"

"They're not going giving you anything because pretty soon they're gonna be _dead_! In fact, let me prove it to you by killing them one by one…" Telford carefully aimed his gun at Lister, his finger gripping the trigger.

That was the cue Aria needed. Swiftly, she unholstered her gun, aimed and shot him. Telford, however, was faster. Aria missed entirely, while the laser that left his gun struck her forehead, right in the middle. She had no time to react before she fell backwards to the floor.

In that moment, Rimmer looked as though someone had just walked over his grave — scared and offended. He tried to rush to her aid but Kryten held him back.

" _Let me go_!!" the hologram screamed, each word laced with fear and anger.

"Sir, trust me. It's alright," Kryten clinically responded.

"What do you mean 'it's alright'? She's dead! How is—?!"

Out of nowhere, gasping harshly as air ripped through her lungs, Aria came back to life. She let out a panicked scream as she gripped the leg of Rimmer's trousers. Feeling the cool, soft velvet fabric between her fingers was almost enough to completely ground her.

Rimmer wrenched away from the mechanoid's grasp and got down to his knees beside her. He ghosted over where the laser burn was, now healing as he eyed it. While he raked his long, bony fingers through her hair, he shakily whispered, "Are you okay?"

Aria drew up a shallow breath and let it out quiveringly. She nodded, then regarded him intently. "Never been better." she raspily said.

He bent down, gently locked his hands in her underarms and hefted her to her feet. Aria, still feeling crumpled by dying, leaned against the right side of him for support.

"How is this possible? She should be dead!" Telford exclaimed, gesturing his free hand wildly at her.

Lister smirked and said, "She's the girl that can't be killed."

He put on a thinking face, gazing intently at Aria. "Well then, perhaps I can use that to my advantage," he responded in a tone that had malicious nuances to it. "Right now, I shall focus my efforts on you four. Starting with you." Once more he aimed his weapon at Lister.

Cat held up his hands, signalling him to stop. "No, wait!" Slowly, he started to ambulate towards Telford. "I'm with you, but I get to do it." Cat was now right beside him.

Telford was nevertheless dubious. "Can I trust you? Can I?" He pointed his gun right in the Cat's face. "Really?"

He stared at Telford right in the eye, straight-faced. "I'm a psychopath, ain't I? You and me both. What more do you need?"

It was at that point that second thoughts poked and jabbed Rimmer, Lister and Kryten. Aria knew from the start that they should have stayed on the ship. If they listened to her they wouldn't be in this mess. All this for just a simple ship part, it seemed a bit much, in her opinion.

Bit by bit, Telford began to trust him. He pulled out a second weapon and handed it to him, then gave him a nod, silently telling him to go ahead. Without breaking eye contact, with no remorse what so ever, the Cat shot Telford in the head with the gun he just gave him. Telford fell to the floor as Cat nonchalantly turned to face his crewmates, still expressionless.

Lister's mouth was agape and his eyes widened. Meanwhile, Kryten couldn't keep his neon-blue eyes on either the Cat or Telford for very long, unable to make sense of it; his hands jerked back and forth anxiously, like a marionette. Rimmer appeared as though he was about to say something, and he probably would have if words hadn't failed him in that moment.

Aria, on the other hand, was oddly humbled. The corner of her mouth tugged upward to make a half smile, just subtle enough for the others not to notice. Truthfully, she was grateful someone had done something to that psychopath.

Still, everyone stared, waiting for the Cat to explain himself. The one advantage of having a lifeform that evolved from the common house cat was that he could speak — and he did, often times speaking his mind, whether anyone liked it or not — though the one time Cat did, the one time they wished he didn't sound like the impenitent person he was, he instead spoke four simple words:

"I'm starving, let's eat."

Lister, still gawking, moved towards him. "You shot him!" he exclaimed, bemused that he could be thinking about food at a time like this.

"How's that for a pokey face, huh?"

He gave him a puzzled stare, having to wonder what he was talking about for a moment. When he figured it out, he emphatically uttered, " _Poker_ face," while he held his hands out, gesturing them in frustration.

"I only need to know how to do it, not say it," Cat said. As he widely smiled, he blew the residual smoke from the gun barrel and started to head out of the room.

Lister caught Aria sniggering and shot her a slight glare. "You think this is funny? A man is dead!"

"Yes, Dave. A man who, dare I say, deserved it," she said, making no attempt to feel even slightly sorry for the maniac.

"Shouldn't we at least give him a proper burial?"

"We don't exactly have time for that, Lister," Rimmer stated, then jerked his head back to the doorway Cat had already gone out of. "and if you don't mind, I would like to get my girl–" He bit back the label he dared not say in Aria's company and gave an authoritative clearing of his throat, meant solely to regain control over the part of his mind that enabled him to form words. "–Miss Harkness," he continued. "to the medical bay for a full check up."

"Check up?" she incredulously echoed. "I'm fine. I'm walking and talking, aren't I?"

"I still maintain we should get you checked out," he said, eyeing her apprehensively regardless. He would worry about her what she told him otherwise. "I'll carry out the tests. Once we're back on _Red Dwarf_ ," he added with a wink.

It took her a moment to figure out what he might have been hinting at but she got it in the end. She responded to him with a nod of acknowledgement and smiled, thinking how nice it was for him to want to talk things over. They never just talked. It was always a brief greeting in passing or commands of one sort or another. Once they got back, she vowed she was going to spend hours spilling her guts out. Maybe even get a little more about him apart from what she had ascertained just from watching and listening to him.

Lister grimaced and asked, "This wouldn't happen to be a front for you two knocking boots, would it?"

"Not that it's any of your business, Lister, but no. We weren't going to," Rimmer then cast Aria a quizzical gaze. "Were we?"

Her baby blues flicked upward as she thought. Her drive had been low as of late, and Rimmer wasn't exactly looking to her for some fun. She still wondered if he was even interested in her, which didn't help her depression. Before she knew it she was questioning her worth and became even more downcast.

She sighed heavily, her shoulders dropping from the weight of her emotions. "Let's just go," she told them as she waved her hand to the entryway. "I don't want to be here anymore," she muttered under her breath.

Seven words that had more meaning than any of them could understand. Aria knew the true meaning would slip right past them.


End file.
